Thursday, April 14, 2011

Wild Man Part 2

Hello again, truth-seekers. I'll save you some time and tell you I was unable to find any evidence of the Wild Man of Beaver Creek aside from some over-turned trash cans and a few piles of fewmets uncannily sculpted into a shape that seemed to suggest a howling wolf. That said, my exploits lead me into the path of something I'd like to briefly speak about today: the so-called Valbrook "Trash Bees."

An offshoot of the typical European Honey Bee, the Trash Bees, or Apis Pergamentum as I just decided their taxonomy should be, are native only to Valbrook. Somehow mutating when they were originally brought here, they quickly moved into the various refuse dumps in the old Valbrook settlement. Of course, it is only natural one of this city's hidden treasures would hide in the numerous garbage receptacles across town.

Perhaps the most defining trait of the Trash Bees lies in their extremes--while their sting is one of the most poisonous and hallucinogenic, their honey is supposed to be extremely sweet. I'd venture a guess this is because of their diet, which relies mostly on the high fructose corn syrup of discarded soda cans. And as I've maintained, these carbonated drinks have a large number of toxins in them. Could it be they somehow synthesize the free radicals and oxidants swirling in these beverages into some sort of psychotropic toxin while turning their honey into a substance that would instantly turn a person hypoglycemic?

And who could possibly gain any nourishment from this substance while evading the bees themselves? Perhaps...a Wild Man?

Tune out everything else, friends. The truth is the signal and the world is the noise.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Wild Man of Beaver Creek

Good evening, fellow conspirators. Tonight, I'll be hunting one of the oldest local legends: The Wild Man of Beaver Creek.

As you may be aware, records of this creature extend 100 years or more, to the early days of settlers interacting with the local Comachaw tribe. A large, rat-faced creature with a penchant for stealing food from the campfire the moment it became the most succulent. Some tales speak of the creature drinking a potion to double its strength; in this condition, the creature was vulnerable to attack in the front, as its biceps inhibited its ability to close its arms in.

Later, the Wild Man was suspected of murdering all the beavers in Beaver Creek (hence the name). This is a moronic theory, as there are not only Dictaphone wax recordings of Malachi Wolfe "condemning all beavers and their ilk to the Butte Quarry," but also sepia-drenched photographs of Wolfe slaughtering beavers en masse.

So what is the Wild Man? An ancient monster? More likely a scapegoat for guilty vandal tribesmen and Civil War apologists. That said, we'll find out either way once I've completed my investigation.

Remember to set your time bombs before you go to sleep, conspirators.