Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Secret History of the Electronic Gaming Industry

Good evening, mongrels. I'll get to the point, as I'm disappointed in the lot of you: Today, I saw a bin full of discounted Vektrek Yes! portable systems next to shelves full of Funbase 5K consoles. I swear, Akira Ohura would be rolling in his grave. Then again...if the stories about him are true, he'd probably be excited to see so many cheap electronics.

Oh, you say you've never heard of Akira Ohura, famed inventor and macro-businessman? The man who revolutionized the electronic gaming industry (and, yes, the electronic pornography industry)? Little wonder. Allow me to hold a refresher course for all the troglodytes in the audience.

In the late 70's, Butté Futuristics patented an electronic viewing apparatus with one kind of input and the most basic visual output. Of course, to hold on to the patent, they had to produce and sell the device; to this end, they created and marketed the ElectroView, the first real video game system. They sold well at first, due to the quality of the one game they made with it, Puddle Jumper. Butté proceeded to make a million more of the things. They couldn't duplicate the success of Puddle Jumper, however. Furthermore, the Funbase 5 (which was capable of five simultaneous input) was released soon after, so it wasn't long before Butté was stuck with hundreds of thousands of systems nobody wanted.

Nobody except Akira Ohura, that is.

For pennies a system, Ohura bought the lot of ElectroViews (and it was literally a lot; Butté was about to lay cement over the mass of systems and call it even with a parking deck). It is alleged that, as he looked over the mass of electronics, he first spoke those famous words: “Lateral thinking refreshes withered technology.” He then began hacking and taping the systems together four at a time, increasing the processing power by a quadruple factor. For about a dollar's worth of materials, he created not only the first multi-player video game system, but the only four-player, four-screen console: The Vektor Trekker (Vekutura Teruka in Japan).

His particular (and peculiar) type of insanity branched out to the games he went on to program; you may remember Pretty Kitty Party Games, the mini-game filled story of a schizophrenic animé cat and her bizarre personalities. There were several other hits―Puzzle Pup, Big Game Hunter, Puddle Jumper: The Lost Lagoon, and (my personal favorite), pixel(h)ate, where you play as a memory deallocator in the RAM of the system itself; it could be played alongside the other games in the Vektor Trekker and you would face off against anything dropping from the memory of the other games. It is rumored this game was actually an early form of beta-testing; Ohura had the systems send him information about bugs from other games based on the enemies players fought in pixel(h)ate.

The unsettling revelation that Ohura may have been spying on gamers from afar does put the charges of criminal voyeurism he faced later in his life into context. He didn't live long enough to be convicted, however. He died in a car crash testing out an old Gran Nippon sedan he was re-purposing into a so-called “Sex Cab.”

So keep that history in mind the next time you're thinking of buying that over-priced piece of plastic and depleted uranium, the Funbase 5K. Why not buy a nice, portable VekTrek Yes!? You know what it's made of? An old Funbase X controller hacked and taped together with the old version of an iBomb touchscreen. Not to mention a little lateral thinking.

I have to say...I like dat.

Don't let them deallocate your memory,

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Comic Reviews this Week

Yes, friends—it's that time of the month where I tell you exactly what is wrong with the comic books currently out on the market. As always, the publishing industry should be ashamed of itself.

Man-Moth #1
Oh, what a surprise. A new Man-Moth movie is out this weekend and they're rebooting the franchise. I hope they don't attempt to change the timeless story of someone motivated to fight crime by losing the ones dearest to him—oh, nevermind. Whereas the original story had it where the stepfather of Martin Mathers (AKA Man-Moth) was killed by the Gecko Girl (Man-Moth's girlfriend), this one makes it where the old man was killed by the gun industry for some untold nefarious reason. Great! We've traded a nice bit of kink in Gecko Girl and Man-Moth's relationship for vague villains and vanilla romance. Certainly worth that extra dollar they tacked on the issue.

Priestess #388
Priestess , as a comic, is nauseating. I simply don't understand what's so alluring about the juxtaposition of religion and sexuality. Conversely, the art certainly pops from the page—something they really milk for all it's worth.

Coyote Kid #36
One would think there'd be a proper end to this three-year “mini” series, but that would be hoping for far, far too much. We've spent years in the surreal desert with the eponymous Coyote Kid, and the creators did a perfect job of recreating the feeling of being lost in a world that doesn't make any sense. I'm surprised we didn't all die of mental starvation somewhere along the way, but they're relaunching the series next month, so somebody must be left alive who wants to read this pap.

Anteater Lad #709
Normally, I encourage buying indie titles in order to support culture outside of the big publishing companies. This weekly comic, however, continually makes me feel as though I am in some nihilistic nightmare. The world is burning down around Anteater Lad and he simply continues to complain about office politics and celebrity gossip. It's like being able to gaze into the abyss and have it gaze into you each week for only $2.99!

Yes, this is another moment of failure for the world of comic books. At least we don't have to put up with those awful Hands of our Grandmother/Sewer Heroes mash-up stories again like we did last year. Small victories.


Thursday, April 14, 2011

Wild Man Part 2

Hello again, truth-seekers. I'll save you some time and tell you I was unable to find any evidence of the Wild Man of Beaver Creek aside from some over-turned trash cans and a few piles of fewmets uncannily sculpted into a shape that seemed to suggest a howling wolf. That said, my exploits lead me into the path of something I'd like to briefly speak about today: the so-called Valbrook "Trash Bees."

An offshoot of the typical European Honey Bee, the Trash Bees, or Apis Pergamentum as I just decided their taxonomy should be, are native only to Valbrook. Somehow mutating when they were originally brought here, they quickly moved into the various refuse dumps in the old Valbrook settlement. Of course, it is only natural one of this city's hidden treasures would hide in the numerous garbage receptacles across town.

Perhaps the most defining trait of the Trash Bees lies in their extremes--while their sting is one of the most poisonous and hallucinogenic, their honey is supposed to be extremely sweet. I'd venture a guess this is because of their diet, which relies mostly on the high fructose corn syrup of discarded soda cans. And as I've maintained, these carbonated drinks have a large number of toxins in them. Could it be they somehow synthesize the free radicals and oxidants swirling in these beverages into some sort of psychotropic toxin while turning their honey into a substance that would instantly turn a person hypoglycemic?

And who could possibly gain any nourishment from this substance while evading the bees themselves? Perhaps...a Wild Man?

Tune out everything else, friends. The truth is the signal and the world is the noise.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Wild Man of Beaver Creek

Good evening, fellow conspirators. Tonight, I'll be hunting one of the oldest local legends: The Wild Man of Beaver Creek.

As you may be aware, records of this creature extend 100 years or more, to the early days of settlers interacting with the local Comachaw tribe. A large, rat-faced creature with a penchant for stealing food from the campfire the moment it became the most succulent. Some tales speak of the creature drinking a potion to double its strength; in this condition, the creature was vulnerable to attack in the front, as its biceps inhibited its ability to close its arms in.

Later, the Wild Man was suspected of murdering all the beavers in Beaver Creek (hence the name). This is a moronic theory, as there are not only Dictaphone wax recordings of Malachi Wolfe "condemning all beavers and their ilk to the Butte Quarry," but also sepia-drenched photographs of Wolfe slaughtering beavers en masse.

So what is the Wild Man? An ancient monster? More likely a scapegoat for guilty vandal tribesmen and Civil War apologists. That said, we'll find out either way once I've completed my investigation.

Remember to set your time bombs before you go to sleep, conspirators.